Today was set out to be a good day, nice, sunny and warm day in the Capital, we dropped off Myles at childcare centre, arrived at hospital, did the blood test, then we were told Luke’s neutrophils was zero, none, nil, non-existent. It means there is nothing in Luke’s body to fight for any type of infections, he is at risk of getting sick and being hospitalised. As a result we couldn’t proceed with the planned chemo infusion through the portacath today, we’ll need to come back on Friday and see luke’s blood works again to see if neutrophils have recovered to a level where chemo can be resumed.
In my mind i was okay with that, then a dark cloud appeared out of nowhere and I started to feel quite depressed about Luke’s condition. I have always been feeling strong and positive about everything,taking each day as it comes, but not today. Today I felt the urge to cry. I dont think it’s possible to put down in writing what a mother feels when her son is appearing ok, but inside his body things are just not working the way it’s supposed to. I somehow felt I am a horrible mother, also I felt mentally and physically exhausted.
On top of that Myles was not eating. He has always been picky with food, but today he just wouldn’t have a bar of anything at dinner table, not milk afterwards either. Food is a big deal for me, I need my children to eat well, it’s my belief that good nutrition is the foundation of health, and when myles refuses to eat it just frustrates the heck out of me. Nathan thinks it’s no big deal, a child will never starve himself. I know that, but I can’t accept it. It might be a belief that I need to adjust, but it just added stress of my day.
Oh I need to relax, my mind is still racing, I need to now go chill out on the couch with a glass of wine and watch a movie, a movie that doesn’t involve a lot of thinking but has a nice sweet ending. At the same time cast on for my next knitting project, perhaps a miriam cardi. That might just be my de-stress strategy.
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